Posted on by lmondale

For Erik

16 years ago this week, I spent a day laboring and delivering a stillborn son, whom I named Erik.  I wrote this poem in the following weeks, desperately trying to put to words the abject, primal grief – and love – that I felt.

I knew you.

Did you know me?

You were my secret companion.
You heard the sounds of my life.

Did you listen to the thoughts in my head?

You felt my touch as I caressed you, growing inside of me.

I felt your kicks and reveled in the fact that,

For now, you belonged only to me.

 

And then the horrible news.

Although I had just accepted that you were meant to be inside of me,

They told me you could not be

Outside of me.

While you kicked happily inside me

I made the horrible decision to end

What little life you’d known.

 

That night I heard your heart beating for the last time,

Strong and proud.

All that night as I lay crying

You kicked inside of me

As if you knew we were saying goodbye.

 

And then, with my tears, you came out

Taking with you a piece of my heart

But leaving forever the memory

Of when I knew you.

 

To a practiced eye you were irreparably flawed.

To a mother’s eye you were perfect.

I wrapped you in a blanket,

Kissed your tiny hands and sang to you.

But you couldn’t hear me anymore.

 

Now where are you?

 

Though nobody seems to notice,

I wear your scars.

Your outward imperfections

Symbolizing, for me, my inner flaws.

 

Every once in awhile I catch a glimpse of you

In your brother or sister’s face.

A tear comes to my eye

And I catch my breath,

Considering, for a moment, what might have been.

 

You taught me so much.

My life will go on.

But I’ll never forget

That I knew you.

8 Replies to “For Erik”

  2. I love this. The poem helped me to better understand what that experience must have been like. The references to him kicking provided me with an image that was incredibly profound. I think this poem describes the loss of your child and the healing you have done and continue to do. This poem touched my heart and made me think. I don’t know much about poetry but good poems should make us feel and think and this is amazing just like the woman who wrote it.

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  3. I feel for the first time, what an emotionally devastating experience you had. I’ll never listen to another woman talk about her stillborn experience without the insight you gave me. Wonderful poem. Full of love.

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  6. Lucy – I never knew you were a poet. This is a very fine poem. I am a former board member of the St. Louis Poetry Center, & a poet myself. You should send your poem out for publication.

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